Brain Dumping

Disclaimer

This writing is not going to be fun, nor inspiring

I am really sorry to whoever read this. If you come across this blog and read my toxic thoughts, please don't.

This writing may contain a lot of grammatical error anyway, and I wont bother to proof read to correct my diction or punctuation.

You will gain nothing.

"Ren, how are you?"

"I'm fine"

That is my automatic, repetitive answer

How am I really?

I looked fine. But I'm lost, I'm confused, I want to cry. It's complicated 

I'm trying to figure out what really happen to me, by dumping everything on this writing

"Kenapa ngga curhat sama orang terdekat aja?"

I tried. But I can't share too much negativity to someone, how long will they listen until they get enough? will they be patient with me until I'm okay again? dan dianggap drama, lemah, sad girl, toxic, "masalah lo ngga seberapa dibandingakan orang lain", you name it.

I feel tired, suffocated, and self-diagnosed depressed.

I don't know how, why, or when did it start.

I started to lose energy. I don't have motivation to do anything. I was starting to feel my job is too demanding, my hobby is unpleasant, I have no desire to have fun. But despite that I tried to look normal, doing my best on my job, and hung out with my friends

Then I got into an accident. I broke my skull, it seemed god still wanted me to be here, and I survived.

On my recovery I realize that it was hard for me to catch up on many things. I become clumsier, forgetful, and dumber. When I read, I need to re-read several time to understand. When people talk to me, I have to ask a lot of question so I can comprehend what they meant. when I did my job, it took me longer to finish. It was really frustrating, and hard to control my anger because of my situation. I think this situation added to my pre-depressed state 

It was really hard to trying to get back in control to the life before my accident

And after 5 months I tried to get by with whatever sanity I have left, I got covid-19. With almost 4 weeks of lying around and try to recover (it haven't completely recovered until now, because everything I ate still doesn't taste that good, and smells a little off) + my triple effort to gather my motivation and complete even a simple task from my job. Turns out covid also affect my intelligence. I feel drained.

What do I do with my life? I really want to push "Auto pilot" button and live my life by default. I am tired of all the workloads, being unhappy, grumpy, ungrateful (sometimes i think it's better  to never wake up from the accident), and i just want to sleep.

What a tough year, even tougher than the pandemic was first covered

I hope this is just a phase that will pass really soon.

If I ask my self what I really want right now. my answer is, I want to go out, stroll by the beach, bare footed, without a mask

My soul needs healing

But for now, i hope dumping my brain out like this will do

If You Could Travel Back in Time, Where Would You Go?

Elementary shool, 2nd grade.

Little Renitta was a timid girl, she was always feeling inferior and couldn't stop comparing her physical appearance to her peers; why does she have a wide forehead and dark complexion? Why does the shape of her nose looks weird? why is she so small compared to her friends, why is she so ugly?

She couldn't even make her own friends. She was a "tag a long" that people wouldn't realize if she was not around.    

Even when she grew up into a teenager, her inferiority complex was getting worse. She was always seek for acceptance. Somehow, gaining others' approval made her feel good about herself.

She has known this inferior feelings even when she just started to have her own awareness. Her inner circle, her relatives, sometimes told her that some part of her physical appearance was not "the" beauty standard a girl should have. She knew they didn't mean to hurt her. It was just a joke. Words they told in passing, but the words stuck with her.

Trully, I wish they would be more careful with their tongue. Words could scarred children easily.

If I could turn back the time, I would like to meet the 2nd grader Renitta and tell her that those words don't matter. I want to tell her that she was a smart kid for a 2nd grader, and that's what you need. I want to tell her she was on the right track, and she will become a one fine woman one day. I want to tell her to stop thinking irrelevant things and start to teach herself the most important skill in this world.

How to survive.