Disclaimer
I am really sorry to whoever read this. If you come across this blog and read my toxic thoughts, please don't.
This writing may contain a lot of grammatical error anyway, and I wont bother to proof read to correct my diction or punctuation.
You will gain nothing.
"Ren, how are you?"
"I'm fine"
That is my automatic, repetitive answer
How am I really?
I looked fine. But I'm lost, I'm confused, I want to cry. It's complicated
I'm trying to figure out what really happen to me, by dumping everything on this writing
"Kenapa ngga curhat sama orang terdekat aja?"
I tried. But I can't share too much negativity to someone, how long will they listen until they get enough? will they be patient with me until I'm okay again? dan dianggap drama, lemah, sad girl, toxic, "masalah lo ngga seberapa dibandingakan orang lain", you name it.
I feel tired, suffocated, and self-diagnosed depressed.
I don't know how, why, or when did it start.
I started to lose energy. I don't have motivation to do anything. I was starting to feel my job is too demanding, my hobby is unpleasant, I have no desire to have fun. But despite that I tried to look normal, doing my best on my job, and hung out with my friends
Then I got into an accident. I broke my skull, it seemed god still wanted me to be here, and I survived.
On my recovery I realize that it was hard for me to catch up on many things. I become clumsier, forgetful, and dumber. When I read, I need to re-read several time to understand. When people talk to me, I have to ask a lot of question so I can comprehend what they meant. when I did my job, it took me longer to finish. It was really frustrating, and hard to control my anger because of my situation. I think this situation added to my pre-depressed state
It was really hard to trying to get back in control to the life before my accident
And after 5 months I tried to get by with whatever sanity I have left, I got covid-19. With almost 4 weeks of lying around and try to recover (it haven't completely recovered until now, because everything I ate still doesn't taste that good, and smells a little off) + my triple effort to gather my motivation and complete even a simple task from my job. Turns out covid also affect my intelligence. I feel drained.
What do I do with my life? I really want to push "Auto pilot" button and live my life by default. I am tired of all the workloads, being unhappy, grumpy, ungrateful (sometimes i think it's better to never wake up from the accident), and i just want to sleep.
What a tough year, even tougher than the pandemic was first covered
I hope this is just a phase that will pass really soon.
If I ask my self what I really want right now. my answer is, I want to go out, stroll by the beach, bare footed, without a mask
My soul needs healing
But for now, i hope dumping my brain out like this will do
