Settle Down

When we were born, we are set on a sail. This voyage may or may not be different on each individual. 

But the usual are: to be able to speak at the age of two, walking and running by the age of three, then going to school, attend university, have a stable job, get married, build a family and so on, until we eventually die.

Along the journey we will encounter a lot of people and situations that will make us, or break us. It depends on how we perceived them.

As in my journey, I met this guy, who I thought, "he will never be my Mr. Right". 

Jokes on me, though.

He was, and he is the Mr. Right, all along.

Flash back a little,

I met him 8 years ago. He was my junior on my workplace, and turned out, we went to the same elementary school. At first, I found this guy annoying. No, let me correct myself, I found every guy my age at that time, annoying. 

Having to go to senior school which 90% of its students are male species, made me think that "boys at the end of their teenage years are brats, and I hate brats".

I did realize when he started to pursue me, but I did not understand what he saw in me. I mean, I was a sceptic when it came to love. What is love? Why does a person voluntarily gives someone a power to hurt him/her? I've seen enough example, so I could not relate.

But hei, he was quite persistent, and  I like the attention. So I decided, "Well then, let's do this and see how far we could go. We don't have to be in love to be in a relationship, anyway." 

Our relationship lasted for nearly three years until we called it off. Quite surprising, actually. I never thought it will last that long. 

Why did we break up? 

He was actually really sweet and kind, it felt nice to have someone who took care of me, gave me attention, made time for me, picked me up to and from work and a lot of other things that made me think that, it's nice to have a boyfriend. But that's it. 

I didn't know how to be in a relationship. I didn't know how to love, even receiving it became a burden for me. Heck, I didn't even know if I love myself or not.

I was only half of a person, and in my defense, so he was. Two halves don't always make a whole. In a relationship, I don't believe in 50/50 crap, because every individual are different. If half orange and half apple are combined, it will never be a whole orange, or a whole apple. So what do you expect from half of a woman and half of a man? 

A burden. Heart break. Suffocation

The two of us had our own baggage that we need to deal with. At that time, we weren't ready.

I've never regretted our break up. But I've never expected that we will get back together. As a husband and wife, If I may add. 

Funny, how the universe works.

We were being apart for three years. That time we weren't together gave us rooms to grow up, to shape our personality, to create a better version of ourselves. 

Then we finally met again, and I fall in love harder than I have ever been. (not that I have ever been in love before, lol)

I love how his character grow. I love how he makes me feel. I love how now I have the ability to response to his feelings. I love the version of me when I am with him. I love that I love him now.

I am completely aware of the fact that I am a difficult person to love. There are a lot of days I am moody, bitchy, grouchy, and hard to deal with. 

But I want him.

And fortunately, this strange human keeps coming back. He accepts me, and he learned to deal with my bullshit. Then, I realized. For me, falling in love is not about butterflies in my stomach, or a grand romantic gesture. 

For me, love is about the accumulations of small kindness that he does to me repetitively. The comfort he gives me when I need to take a rest, the trust he built in me when he is not in my sight, the space he gives me when I want to be alone, the ears to listen when I want to be heard, the friendship he offers when I need someone to talk, the ice cream he buys to bribe me when I need to cool down, and many more.

He is a fine companionship, which hard to find, especially for me who is extremely selective on who I spend my energy with. 

Dear husband, thank you for always listening to me, convinced me that you truly care about me, and allowing me to experience love. Thank you for your extra patience on accepting me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank yo for loving me

Now we are in this voyage, I hope you will always find comfort in me, as I you.

Love,

Your wife 

Brain Dumping

Disclaimer

This writing is not going to be fun, nor inspiring

I am really sorry to whoever read this. If you come across this blog and read my toxic thoughts, please don't.

This writing may contain a lot of grammatical error anyway, and I wont bother to proof read to correct my diction or punctuation.

You will gain nothing.

"Ren, how are you?"

"I'm fine"

That is my automatic, repetitive answer

How am I really?

I looked fine. But I'm lost, I'm confused, I want to cry. It's complicated 

I'm trying to figure out what really happen to me, by dumping everything on this writing

"Kenapa ngga curhat sama orang terdekat aja?"

I tried. But I can't share too much negativity to someone, how long will they listen until they get enough? will they be patient with me until I'm okay again? dan dianggap drama, lemah, sad girl, toxic, "masalah lo ngga seberapa dibandingakan orang lain", you name it.

I feel tired, suffocated, and self-diagnosed depressed.

I don't know how, why, or when did it start.

I started to lose energy. I don't have motivation to do anything. I was starting to feel my job is too demanding, my hobby is unpleasant, I have no desire to have fun. But despite that I tried to look normal, doing my best on my job, and hung out with my friends

Then I got into an accident. I broke my skull, it seemed god still wanted me to be here, and I survived.

On my recovery I realize that it was hard for me to catch up on many things. I become clumsier, forgetful, and dumber. When I read, I need to re-read several time to understand. When people talk to me, I have to ask a lot of question so I can comprehend what they meant. when I did my job, it took me longer to finish. It was really frustrating, and hard to control my anger because of my situation. I think this situation added to my pre-depressed state 

It was really hard to trying to get back in control to the life before my accident

And after 5 months I tried to get by with whatever sanity I have left, I got covid-19. With almost 4 weeks of lying around and try to recover (it haven't completely recovered until now, because everything I ate still doesn't taste that good, and smells a little off) + my triple effort to gather my motivation and complete even a simple task from my job. Turns out covid also affect my intelligence. I feel drained.

What do I do with my life? I really want to push "Auto pilot" button and live my life by default. I am tired of all the workloads, being unhappy, grumpy, ungrateful (sometimes i think it's better  to never wake up from the accident), and i just want to sleep.

What a tough year, even tougher than the pandemic was first covered

I hope this is just a phase that will pass really soon.

If I ask my self what I really want right now. my answer is, I want to go out, stroll by the beach, bare footed, without a mask

My soul needs healing

But for now, i hope dumping my brain out like this will do

If You Could Travel Back in Time, Where Would You Go?

Elementary shool, 2nd grade.

Little Renitta was a timid girl, she was always feeling inferior and couldn't stop comparing her physical appearance to her peers; why does she have a wide forehead and dark complexion? Why does the shape of her nose looks weird? why is she so small compared to her friends, why is she so ugly?

She couldn't even make her own friends. She was a "tag a long" that people wouldn't realize if she was not around.    

Even when she grew up into a teenager, her inferiority complex was getting worse. She was always seek for acceptance. Somehow, gaining others' approval made her feel good about herself.

She has known this inferior feelings even when she just started to have her own awareness. Her inner circle, her relatives, sometimes told her that some part of her physical appearance was not "the" beauty standard a girl should have. She knew they didn't mean to hurt her. It was just a joke. Words they told in passing, but the words stuck with her.

Trully, I wish they would be more careful with their tongue. Words could scarred children easily.

If I could turn back the time, I would like to meet the 2nd grader Renitta and tell her that those words don't matter. I want to tell her that she was a smart kid for a 2nd grader, and that's what you need. I want to tell her she was on the right track, and she will become a one fine woman one day. I want to tell her to stop thinking irrelevant things and start to teach herself the most important skill in this world.

How to survive.

Expectations

There is this caption that I really like from someone I follow on instagram, "People can only meet you as deep as they have met themselves"

Yes. Suddenly everything becomes very clear.

I am someone who often being hurt by my own expectations. Because turns out, we can't expect people life to be always in the same stage as ours.

When you realize you couldn't go deeper with someone, or when you couldn't understand their perspective, it is simply because they have never been in your shoes, or you theirs.

It takes commitment to enlighten or be enlightened. It is your choice to take them or leave them.

Money Matter

Hello my nonexistent readers

Today I had an interesting conversation with my mom. We talked about 'what kind of person you consider a failure?'

She said, "Someone who doesn't have savings"

I don't know what are most people will answer to this question, but hers was not something we would hear every day, right? I can see where she was coming from, and indeed it was something we all could learn from.

Money is always a relatable matter for all of us. We could see people who earn a little but they are living a simple and unpretensious life. We could also see people who have a big income, but it never seemed to be enough. And the worst of all, people who always spend the money they pretend to have.

I understand we are all coming from different backgrounds and situations, even my family had been through a situation where we didn't know whether we would have something to eat tomorrow, because we were that poor, or so I thought.

But looking back, I think it was not because we were poor,  but because we don't have savings for that kind of emergencies. We are financially disorganized. Our idea of living was "We live for today. Tomorrow is a mistery" and that was a big mistake. We should have planned.

Life is a mistery, right. We could never know what tomorrow shall bring, also right. But it doesn't mean we should come unprepared. We have to save up, even when we earn so little, or all of our essentials are costly thus we think it is impossible for us to save our money because we have nothing remain by the end of the month.

How?

Here is some basic tips from me:

1. Save significant amount of your money right after you recieve your paycheck (for me it is 20% of my salary), then plan out your monthly budget with the remainings (basic needs, bills, food, gasoline, social life)

2. Always save up first before you spend your salary. Not the other way around.

3. Adjust your spending within your financial capability. Honey, If you are not Bill Gates, don't pretend like one.

4. If you want to buy expensive goods -and it's natural to have such desire, especially for a woman - instead of touching your existing savings, you have to start another one by cutting up your monthly budget. No pain no gain, dude.

5. Every time you want to buy something, remember this: "do I really need this? Will I regret it once I bought it? Will I regret it if I don't buy it? "

6. If somehow you ended up using your savings because of an emergency, or you simply could not resist that cute blouse, or those beautiful pair of shoes, you have to return that money you had spent the next time you recieve your paycheck. Believe me you will lose motivation to save up if the number is decreasing.

7. Do not owe money to someone unnacessarily unless it was crucial to your life.

These are how I manage my financial spending. Honestly there are times when I don't follow my own rules, because who doesn't like shopping and good food?? But I always get back on the right track whenever I see my bank account decreasing. LOL

It works for me just fine because I've been doing this for so long that I can't remember the last time I was totally broke. Though it it isn't much, I always have a back up whenever my spending is over-limit. Also, it is nice to feel secure about your financial status. That you know you wouldn't go hungry tomorrow.

Self Reminder

I lost someone today. 

I wasn't really close to this person, but her existence was like the sun

I didn't talk much to her, but her smile is embed to my soul. 

Death is near

Death is easy

Why are we always under the impression of we will live forever? 

I have seen many deaths, but not enough to make me realize that people leave, we all will.

Every time it happens, it was like a slap on the face.

People who greet us with their beautiful smile in the morning could be no longer with us in the evening.

People who promise to meet us on Monday could never be there because they meet Death on Sunday.

Death is a reminder to be kind

Death is a reminder to appreciate time

Death is a reminder to love

Cherish our love ones, because they too, would not live forever

Next

In your silence

I found out what we are

And what we are not

But thank you

Those short times were real

At least I was happy

And feel

Oops, Forgot My Head

I think.... There's something wrong in my head.

I knew I am such a clumsy and forgetful person, but these traits are getting worse these days. And I super hate it. I mean, I keep forgetting where do I place my stuff, especially my eye glasses, I leave my motor key attached to its key hole a big number of times, I often left my wallet at my office, or didn't bring my phone with me. Also, just recently, I park my bike in front of my office, but I walk a distance to the basement only to find out that my bike wasn't there.

This is madness! And tiring.
If only my head could be detached, I think I would misplace it too :'))

Recharge

Life don't stop at your sorrow
You, by all means are not weak
Just take a break
And restart in the morrow 

Happy National Blogger Day!

"If you could hear my thoughts, you would probably discover the secrets of universe"

That's what I thought. And I still am.

I started this blog at 2008 as a mean to substitute my diary book, and I haven't stopped ever since.

This blog is really close to my heart because even though contentnya ga berguna dan sangat tidak informatif, bahkan semua tulisan on my early blogging days udah gue revert to draft karena terlalu emotional, immature, alay, tanpa filter, cringe worthy, and make my skin crawl every time I re-read them, it's like a dear friend to me who have been watching me grow since my early adolescent days. A very young Renitta was someone melancholy, who had a lot to say,  to think, and to worry about, but was too timid to speak her mind, even until now. Pouring my mind out into a writing (though I never write in a right way) not only helped me grow as a person, but also short my always jumbled-up thoughts as well. In another way, blog ini adalah tempat sampah untuk mengosongkan pikiran-pikiran gue yang tidak pernah terucap.

It's crazy to be born with a mind that never stop thinking, and always over-analyze everything.

Maybe one day I will make this blog more useful by posting more creative and significant contents. Or maybe not. My mood and passion come and go like monsoon winds, anyway.

A Quarter Life Crisis - Mengahadapi Pertanyaan Kapan Nikah

I am soon to be 25, and long before I was reaching this age I used to think I would be a really cool adult with intellectuality of Einstein that could handle everything by myself at 25.

Turns out I still am the old me with the mentality of teenager.  Growing up sucks. I took the time when the hardest problem in my life was homeworks and assignments for granted.

Skip to the main point of the topic, one of my quarter life crisis beside my social life (or the lack of it) and my career, is my unattended relationship. I wonder why does our society expecting us 'the young maiden around 24-27ish' to already have our significant others and have our marriage date set on the stone. Seolah-olah a nosy question like 'kapan nikah' terus-terusan akan mempercepat datangnya jodoh. Duh. I don't feel the pressure though, it's just,  I got this wishy-washy question quite a lot that it is getting on my nerve.

For me, people are over-using this question. It is used when we don't have anymore topic to converse but we want to keep talking anyway. That's why I find pertanyaan 'kapan nikah' empty and lack of sincerity. I mean come on dude, to start a small talk you can always have anything more genuine to ask like, how's life? Why does earth revolve around the sun? What would happen if it does the other way around? Do you know in the future human will have a chip planted inside their body? ANYTHING at all, you know. Be creative. 

Mungkin mereka juga iseng nanya karena I go solo literally everytime, even ke occasion yang umumnya makhluk seumuran gue bawa partner (kondangan, arisan keluarga. red). But hey, I couldn't find anyone as incredible as me. So I decided to date myself.

To answer that question, just in case one of those people who ask me 'kapan nikah' was actually genuine and really have a concern about my well-being, this is your answer: I will get married when I finally find someone who can put up with my ridiculous-over thinking-indcisive-self for a very long time. Other than that, I am fine by myself.

Marriage means spending your whole life with someone and it is not a joke. I have seen many unhappy married couple, including my parents. Their marriage life turned sour when their partner is not what they expected to be. And I don't want to sign up for that.

In my opinion marriage is a teamwork. It's like a pilot with his co-pilot. They work together and help each other. When you have disagreement, compromise. When you expect something from your partner, tell them. When you are grateful, say thanks. When you are sorry, apologise. I don't know why so many people fail to see that.

Also, I don't do patriarchal practice where the wife should do this and the husband could do that. I am no feminist, but I appreciate people who know how to treat their women.