If You Could Travel Back in Time, Where Would You Go?

Elementary shool, 2nd grade.

Little Renitta was a timid girl, she was always feeling inferior and couldn't stop comparing her physical appearance to her peers; why does she have a wide forehead and dark complexion? Why does the shape of her nose looks weird? why is she so small compared to her friends, why is she so ugly?

She couldn't even make her own friends. She was a "tag a long" that people wouldn't realize if she was not around.    

Even when she grew up into a teenager, her inferiority complex was getting worse. She was always seek for acceptance. Somehow, gaining others' approval made her feel good about herself.

She has known this inferior feelings even when she just started to have her own awareness. Her inner circle, her relatives, sometimes told her that some part of her physical appearance was not "the" beauty standard a girl should have. She knew they didn't mean to hurt her. It was just a joke. Words they told in passing, but the words stuck with her.

Trully, I wish they would be more careful with their tongue. Words could scarred children easily.

If I could turn back the time, I would like to meet the 2nd grader Renitta and tell her that those words don't matter. I want to tell her that she was a smart kid for a 2nd grader, and that's what you need. I want to tell her she was on the right track, and she will become a one fine woman one day. I want to tell her to stop thinking irrelevant things and start to teach herself the most important skill in this world.

How to survive.

Expectations

There is this caption that I really like from someone I follow on instagram, "People can only meet you as deep as they have met themselves"

Yes. Suddenly everything becomes very clear.

I am someone who often being hurt by my own expectations. Because turns out, we can't expect people life to be always in the same stage as ours.

When you realize you couldn't go deeper with someone, or when you couldn't understand their perspective, it is simply because they have never been in your shoes, or you theirs.

It takes commitment to enlighten or be enlightened. It is your choice to take them or leave them.

Money Matter

Hello my nonexistent readers

Today I had an interesting conversation with my mom. We talked about 'what kind of person you consider a failure?'

She said, "Someone who doesn't have savings"

I don't know what are most people will answer to this question, but hers was not something we would hear every day, right? I can see where she was coming from, and indeed it was something we all could learn from.

Money is always a relatable matter for all of us. We could see people who earn a little but they are living a simple and unpretensious life. We could also see people who have a big income, but it never seemed to be enough. And the worst of all, people who always spend the money they pretend to have.

I understand we are all coming from different backgrounds and situations, even my family had been through a situation where we didn't know whether we would have something to eat tomorrow, because we were that poor, or so I thought.

But looking back, I think it was not because we were poor,  but because we don't have savings for that kind of emergencies. We are financially disorganized. Our idea of living was "We live for today. Tomorrow is a mistery" and that was a big mistake. We should have planned.

Life is a mistery, right. We could never know what tomorrow shall bring, also right. But it doesn't mean we should come unprepared. We have to save up, even when we earn so little, or all of our essentials are costly thus we think it is impossible for us to save our money because we have nothing remain by the end of the month.

How?

Here is some basic tips from me:

1. Save significant amount of your money right after you recieve your paycheck (for me it is 20% of my salary), then plan out your monthly budget with the remainings (basic needs, bills, food, gasoline, social life)

2. Always save up first before you spend your salary. Not the other way around.

3. Adjust your spending within your financial capability. Honey, If you are not Bill Gates, don't pretend like one.

4. If you want to buy expensive goods -and it's natural to have such desire, especially for a woman - instead of touching your existing savings, you have to start another one by cutting up your monthly budget. No pain no gain, dude.

5. Every time you want to buy something, remember this: "do I really need this? Will I regret it once I bought it? Will I regret it if I don't buy it? "

6. If somehow you ended up using your savings because of an emergency, or you simply could not resist that cute blouse, or those beautiful pair of shoes, you have to return that money you had spent the next time you recieve your paycheck. Believe me you will lose motivation to save up if the number is decreasing.

7. Do not owe money to someone unnacessarily unless it was crucial to your life.

These are how I manage my financial spending. Honestly there are times when I don't follow my own rules, because who doesn't like shopping and good food?? But I always get back on the right track whenever I see my bank account decreasing. LOL

It works for me just fine because I've been doing this for so long that I can't remember the last time I was totally broke. Though it it isn't much, I always have a back up whenever my spending is over-limit. Also, it is nice to feel secure about your financial status. That you know you wouldn't go hungry tomorrow.

Self Reminder

I lost someone today. 

I wasn't really close to this person, but her existence was like the sun

I didn't talk much to her, but her smile is embed to my soul. 

Death is near

Death is easy

Why are we always under the impression of we will live forever? 

I have seen many deaths, but not enough to make me realize that people leave, we all will.

Every time it happens, it was like a slap on the face.

People who greet us with their beautiful smile in the morning could be no longer with us in the evening.

People who promise to meet us on Monday could never be there because they meet Death on Sunday.

Death is a reminder to be kind

Death is a reminder to appreciate time

Death is a reminder to love

Cherish our love ones, because they too, would not live forever

Next

In your silence

I found out what we are

And what we are not

But thank you

Those short times were real

At least I was happy

And feel

Oops, Forgot My Head

I think.... There's something wrong in my head.

I knew I am such a clumsy and forgetful person, but these traits are getting worse these days. And I super hate it. I mean, I keep forgetting where do I place my stuff, especially my eye glasses, I leave my motor key attached to its key hole a big number of times, I often left my wallet at my office, or didn't bring my phone with me. Also, just recently, I park my bike in front of my office, but I walk a distance to the basement only to find out that my bike wasn't there.

This is madness! And tiring.
If only my head could be detached, I think I would misplace it too :'))

Recharge

Life don't stop at your sorrow
You, by all means are not weak
Just take a break
And restart in the morrow 

Happy National Blogger Day!

"If you could hear my thoughts, you would probably discover the secrets of universe"

That's what I thought. And I still am.

I started this blog at 2008 as a mean to substitute my diary book, and I haven't stopped ever since.

This blog is really close to my heart because even though contentnya ga berguna dan sangat tidak informatif, bahkan semua tulisan on my early blogging days udah gue revert to draft karena terlalu emotional, immature, alay, tanpa filter, cringe worthy, and make my skin crawl every time I re-read them, it's like a dear friend to me who have been watching me grow since my early adolescent days. A very young Renitta was someone melancholy, who had a lot to say,  to think, and to worry about, but was too timid to speak her mind, even until now. Pouring my mind out into a writing (though I never write in a right way) not only helped me grow as a person, but also short my always jumbled-up thoughts as well. In another way, blog ini adalah tempat sampah untuk mengosongkan pikiran-pikiran gue yang tidak pernah terucap.

It's crazy to be born with a mind that never stop thinking, and always over-analyze everything.

Maybe one day I will make this blog more useful by posting more creative and significant contents. Or maybe not. My mood and passion come and go like monsoon winds, anyway.

A Quarter Life Crisis - Mengahadapi Pertanyaan Kapan Nikah

I am soon to be 25, and long before I was reaching this age I used to think I would be a really cool adult with intellectuality of Einstein that could handle everything by myself at 25.

Turns out I still am the old me with the mentality of teenager.  Growing up sucks. I took the time when the hardest problem in my life was homeworks and assignments for granted.

Skip to the main point of the topic, one of my quarter life crisis beside my social life (or the lack of it) and my career, is my unattended relationship. I wonder why does our society expecting us 'the young maiden around 24-27ish' to already have our significant others and have our marriage date set on the stone. Seolah-olah a nosy question like 'kapan nikah' terus-terusan akan mempercepat datangnya jodoh. Duh. I don't feel the pressure though, it's just,  I got this wishy-washy question quite a lot that it is getting on my nerve.

For me, people are over-using this question. It is used when we don't have anymore topic to converse but we want to keep talking anyway. That's why I find pertanyaan 'kapan nikah' empty and lack of sincerity. I mean come on dude, to start a small talk you can always have anything more genuine to ask like, how's life? Why does earth revolve around the sun? What would happen if it does the other way around? Do you know in the future human will have a chip planted inside their body? ANYTHING at all, you know. Be creative. 

Mungkin mereka juga iseng nanya karena I go solo literally everytime, even ke occasion yang umumnya makhluk seumuran gue bawa partner (kondangan, arisan keluarga. red). But hey, I couldn't find anyone as incredible as me. So I decided to date myself.

To answer that question, just in case one of those people who ask me 'kapan nikah' was actually genuine and really have a concern about my well-being, this is your answer: I will get married when I finally find someone who can put up with my ridiculous-over thinking-indcisive-self for a very long time. Other than that, I am fine by myself.

Marriage means spending your whole life with someone and it is not a joke. I have seen many unhappy married couple, including my parents. Their marriage life turned sour when their partner is not what they expected to be. And I don't want to sign up for that.

In my opinion marriage is a teamwork. It's like a pilot with his co-pilot. They work together and help each other. When you have disagreement, compromise. When you expect something from your partner, tell them. When you are grateful, say thanks. When you are sorry, apologise. I don't know why so many people fail to see that.

Also, I don't do patriarchal practice where the wife should do this and the husband could do that. I am no feminist, but I appreciate people who know how to treat their women.

The Sound of Silence

Silence is deafening.

In silence, every sounds becomes more prominent, because nothing is prefectly still. Including our minds.

As a person who don't talk much, I have the loudest mind. I observe, I assess, I judge, then I try to co-exist. And I am pretty much selective on who and how I spend my energy with.

My silence could be everything.
It means yes, it means no, it means I like you, It means I don't like you, it means I miss you but I prefer to keep it to myself, it means I don't care anymore, it means I have no energy to talk but your company is needed, it means leave me alone, it means I care about you but I don't know the way to express it, and so on

The people in my life who actually understand the sound of my silence are like gemstones. They are precious.

And above all, the sound of my silence are like 2 AM tic-tocs. Honest and real

A Broken Promise

Been neglecting my own commitment since day 1.

Saying I will start writing... anything at all, but my real life kind of get in the way

I feel like I am losing not only my self, but also my social life as well. Omg being a lazy girl with a busy life is hard